CLICKBAIT

I'm not going to tell you how thrilled I am for the comeback of high-waisted jeans.

How many times in the past week I listened to the new Adele song.

That I can do 15 pushups.

I'm not going to tell you how proud I am of my son for talking shit about Trump on the playground.

How gratifying it is to watch my kids load the dishwasher without being asked.

How often I think of my daughter's birth: those first few moments, feeling her heart beating through her neck and fingertips and shins.

I'm not going to tell you how motherhood is the most fulfilling experience ever.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about the gutted feeling that washes over me when I sit in the car, flipping through social media apps on my phone, waiting for soccer practice to end.

How three times over the past month, I have given up on my messy house, my marriage, my book, my everything, driven to the mall, and bought grey sweaters for the California winter we will never have.

How I woke up last Monday to the W.H.O. news story about the possible connection between eating processed meats and cancer and immediately went out for a bacon cheeseburger.

I'm going to tell you how during a recent morning scramble, I yelled at my son with such intensity that he ran away and I thought he was gone forever.

That I cried during the school earthquake drill, imagining the chaos of the big one.

I'm going to tell you how sometimes my body feels completely turned off, done, retired.

I'm going to tell you how often I take a deep breath in order to stay at the table.

How often I bake cookies in order to stay awake.

How, as a parent, you never get to step back or unfurl or move on or detach.

I'm going to tell you about the homeless man I see every Tuesday afternoon next to the I-580 onramp who holds up the I will take anything you can give me sign, his sad drunken eyes boring so deeply into mine that I have to look away and pray for the light to change because I can't bear what I am thinking: he is somebody's child, he is somebody's child, oh fuck, he is somebody's child.

(Stuffed with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

(Stuffed with Junior Mints)

I have made these cookies six times in the past ten days. I have handed them out to women in bars, children in cars, friends at dinner parties. They are so fun to make, ridiculously sweet, and way over the top. They make people smile and grab and moan.

Sometimes a bit of candy escapes while they are baking. Don't panic. Just make sure to cool them on the sheet pan.

Don't overcook them or you will be sad. This happened with batch #3 and my daughter and I agreed that life is too short for dry, over-baked Nutella cookies. 

I have just started reading about Nutella and palm oil and deforestation. I wish I could tell you that these cookies work beautifully with other chocolate hazelnut spreads. But I haven't tested out any of them out. Please let me know if you make these cookies with a Nutella alternative. I am learning along with you.

CANDY-STUFFED NUTELLA SUGAR COOKIES 

printable recipe

makes 10 big cookies

My daughter found this recipe online last year. We have searched and searched but we can't find it again. I have modified it a bit, but, if it looks familiar, please let me know. I would love to give proper credit to the original recipe writer.

You can stuff these cookies with almost any kind of candy. Or nothing at all. On their own, they are crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside. But when you stuff them, they become mystery cookies. Here are a few ideas for the filling: 1/2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, 3 Junior Mints, 4 mini marshmallows, 1 Special Dark Hershey's chocolate bar. PLAY!!!

ingredients:

1  3/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon kosher salt

2 sticks unsalted butter (1 cup), soft

1/3 cup white sugar

1/2 cup dark brown sugar

3/4 cup Nutella, room temperature

1 egg

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

candy of your choice (see headnote for some ideas)

1/3 cup white sugar, for rolling cookies

directions:

Whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In a standing mixer (or by hand), cream the butter, white sugar, and brown sugar for two minutes on high speed. Scrape down the sides. Add Nutella and beat for another 20 seconds on medium speed. Scrape down the sides. Add the egg. Mix on medium for 5 seconds. Scrape down the sides. Add the vanilla and mix for another 5 seconds on medium speed. Scrape down the sides. Add 1/3 of the flour mixture and mix on low speed until almost all the flour in incorporated. Scrape down the sides. Add the second 1/3 of the flour mixture. Mix on low until almost all incorporated. Scrape down the sides. Add the final 1/3 of the flour mixture. MIx on low until the final traces of flour just disappear. Don't overmix! Chill the dough for an hour if you have time (not necessary but it will make the assembly a bit easier).

Preheat the oven to 375°F. Line 2 sheet pans with parchment paper or Silpats. Pour white sugar (for rolling) on a plate. Divide the dough into 10 equal-sized pieces (about 2  1/4 ounces each). Tear a ball of dough in half, press candy in the center, cover with other half of the dough, roll in your hands until you can't feel or see the candy filling. Roll the dough ball in the white sugar. Place on the sheet pan. They spread quite a bit so leave several inches between each cookie.

Bake for 7 minutes. They are done the moment the center melts and starts to settle down. Let the cookies cool a bit on the pan and firm up because if you move the cookies when they're too warm, the candy might ooze out the bottom. The cookies are best eaten within a few hours. They are also really good frozen (late at night with red wine).

If you freeze the baked cookies and then thaw them, they will still taste good but they will lose they're glorious crispness. A better option is to freeze the stuffed cookie dough balls after you have rolled them in sugar. Freeze the balls of dough up to 6 months in a Ziploc bag. When you bake off the frozen balls, you should turn the temperature down to 350°F and bake them for a few extra minutes.

RECIPE COUNTDOWN TO 2010: NUMBER 4

NUMBER 4: VANILLA BEAN REFRIGERATOR COOKIES

"Momma, boys drink tea."

"Yes, they do Dashi."
He continued, "Boys don't drink latte. Or chai. Or coffee. Or cars."

So we drove home and had tea with fresh-baked vanilla bean cookies.

We took the log of dough out of the freezer, painted it with egg, and rolled it in the vanilla sugar. Then we sliced it up and baked the cookies.

It's hard to stop eating warm cookies but I did finally have to say, "No more." This did not go over well.

VANILLA BEAN REFRIGERATOR COOKIES:

printable recipe

(Adapted from Cinnamon Sablés from David Bouley's "East of Paris: The New Cuisines of Austria and the Danube")

In this recipe I've put the minimum amount of vanilla and vanilla bean necessary. Feel free to double or triple the amount. Don't use vanilla bean paste in these cookies because they will be too sweet. They're best eaten the day they're made although they will keep for a few days at room temperature in an airtight container. You can refrigerate the dough for up to a week or freeze it for many months if it's well wrapped. Don't coat them with egg and sugar until right before you bake them. Makes about 32 cookies.

Ingredients
for the cookie dough:

2  cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 sticks butter, unsalted and room temperature
1/3 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
seeds from 1/2 vanilla bean (slice bean in half lengthwise and scrape out the seeds)
1 egg

for the sugar coating:
1 egg
3/4 cup sugar
seeds from 1/2 vanilla bean (slice bean in half lengthwise and scrape out the seeds)

Directions

Whisk flour and salt together and set aside. In a mixer or by hand cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Scrape down the sides and add the vanilla extract and vanilla bean seeds. Mix until you can see that the seeds are evenly distributed. Scrape down sides and add the egg. Mix for 5 seconds. Add flour and salt mixture in 3 batches, mixing briefly and scraping down after each addition.

Scrape the dough out onto a long piece of plastic wrap. Using the plastic wrap, roll the dough out into a log 2" in diameter. Leave it a round cylinder or if you prefer square cookies you can flatten all four sides into a square cylinder. Put the log into the fridge for at least 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350º F.

Put granulated sugar on a flat surface like a big plate or platter (or directly onto your counter). With your fingers mix in the vanilla bean seeds until evenly distributed. This takes a few minutes. Whisk the egg in a bowl. Remove dough from fridge and plastic wrap and cut into 2 smaller logs. Paint the first log all over with the beaten egg EXCEPT for the 2 exposed ends. Roll the log in the vanilla sugar until well-coated. There is very little sugar in this cookie dough so make sure you get a nice layer on the log. You can even press it in a bit with your fingers. With a serrated knife carefully slice the cookies 1/2" thick. Place cookies on a nonstick sheet pan (or use a silpat or parchment paper). White the first batch cooks, repeat egg and sugar coating with 2nd log. Keep an eye on the cookies after they've been in the oven about 8 minutes. Take them out when the cookies are just set and the sugar begins to brown along the edges. Cool completely on the sheet pan or the sugar coating will crack off. Eat right away.

SUGAR COOKIES

Dash is two years old. Two days ago he was assembling and running the Kitchen Aid mixer. Tonight he was trying to snort goat cheese up his nose through a straw. Check out some of his mature (and one not so mature) moments this week while we made sugar cookies with Bella and her friend Jacob.

 

HOLIDAY SUGAR COOKIES (adapted from Martha Stewart's Baking Handbook):

printable recipe

4 sticks (1 pound) unsalted butter, room temperature

2 3/4 cups sugar

2 eggs

1 tablespoon vanilla extract or 1 tablespoon vanilla paste*

1 teaspon salt

5 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling out the dough

any kind of sprinkles

Beat the butter and sugar in an electric mixer until light and fluffy.

Add the eggs one at a time. Scrape down sides after each addition.

Add the vanilla extract or vanilla paste. Mix just to combine. Scrape down sides.

Whisk together flour and salt. Add flour in 4 batches to butter/sugar mixture. Scrape down between each addition. Don't overmix.

Dump out dough and split into 3 or 4 piles. Gently gather and flatten each pile into a disc and wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate for at least a few hours or up to a week. You can freeze the dough for a really long time.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Remove a disc from the fridge and let it soften for a few minutes. Using flour to keep the dough from sticking, roll the dough out to desired thickness (not too thin because it's nice to have a crisp outside and a less cooked center). Place parchment or a silpat on a sheet pan. Cut out shapes with cookies cutters.  Place cookies on sheet pan. Decorate with nothing, a bit of sugar, or unbelievable amounts of sprinkles. Chill in fridge for 15 minutes before baking.

Bake until edges just start to get golden and the center is still uncolored, about 8-12 minutes.

Remove from oven and let sit for 2 minutes. Use a spatula to carefully slide the cookies onto a cooling rack. Or just slide the parchment or silpat off the tray onto a cool surface.

*My new favorite ingredient: vanilla bean paste. One tablespoon is equivalent to an entire vanilla bean. 

HOW RECIPES ARE MADE

A recipe is made up of a list of techniques that guides you through combining a list of ingredients.  Sift, melt, whisk. Flour, chocolate, eggs. Often the whole is bigger, better or just quite different than the sum of its parts.  Onions plus slow steady heat equals caramelized onions. Tomatoes plus salt equals more flavorful tomatoes. Half the time the recipes I use are written down. But the more I cook the more I store in my brain and my fingers. Stepping away from the page gives me flexibility, but I like nothing better than following a well-written recipe. Sometimes I read a recipe and it feels like it's flowing right out of my brain. Other recipes seem complicated but the steps are so clear that I have the confidence to take them on. And then there are those recipes that feel impossible.

This brings me to August Escoffier's "A Guide to the Fine Art of French Cuisine."

I have had the Escoffier cookbook in my purse or in the bottom of the stroller Monday through Friday. Just ask Dash. He even uses it as a backrest at the cafe. He now calls every book a "cockbock." Every morning after we drop Bella off at school he asks, "Momma, you want get coffee?" Maybe he and I need to branch out a bit. All we do together lately is go to cafes and talk about what we're going to cook. He particularly likes the photo of Escoffier on the back flap.

Escoffier is a serious-looking French dude who codified most of the classic French dishes and published them in his "Guide Culinaire" in 1903.  He also came up with a few recipes of his own, his most famous being peach melba (peaches poached in vanilla syrup served over vanilla ice cream topped with raspberry puree). He had a few things to say about the hierarchy of the kitchen from chef de cuisine down to the prep cooks. He helped French society take cooking seriously by breaking down the jobs in the kitchen into specialties and sub-specialties. His system is still in place to this day in Europe. Having worked in restaurant kitchens in New York City in both pastry and garde manger I can tell you that this system is alive and well in this country as well. Yes it's hierarchical.  Yes it can be misogynistic. And competitive. And life-draining. But it works. Auguste has 2,984 recipes to choose from and I can't seem to commit to a single one.

FIRST LESSON: PICKING ONE ESCOFFIER RECIPE OFTEN MEANS YOU'RE TAKING ON FIVE RECIPES.

Here's a list of the techniques you need to know how to do in order to make Commodore Chicken Turbot (recipe #929 in Auguste's book):

• Trim potato balls to the size of hazelnuts.
  
• Poach the turbot.
• Cook a l'Anglaise.
• Make fish quenelles.
• Make lobster croquettes.
• Prepare an oyster a la Villeroy.
• Treat these products according to their nature.
• Arrange in alternate heaps (I can do that!).
• Make Normande sauce.
• Make anchovy butter.

Are you kidding me? Please don't think I'm making fun of Escoffier. I am in awe of what he learned, collected, created, and wrote. But all his consommes and compound sauces and bases and releves just overwhelm me. Escoffier's recipes don't inspire me to cook. They makes me want to take a nap.

Isabel has no interest in Escoffier's cookbook. She has been carrying around a different book. 

On Saturday morning we climb in bed to read our books. I'm still flailing around with Escoffier. Bella is flipping through her book and asks for the third time, "I'm confused. So how DO the egg and the sperm actually get together?" I look down to see a drawing of one rooster mounting another. I have not had enough coffee for this conversation.  I close my book and say, "I have a great idea. Let's do OUR recipes this week instead of Escoffier's."

I'm bailing on Escoffier. I'm relieved and I also feel like a loser.

Bella is crazy excited. She tells me not to move while she goes to get something. She runs back and proudly presents me with her Mint Chocolate Cookie Recipe. The ingredients are eggs, flour, sugar, and mint extract.  Turns out A = oven (see the dish towel hanging?). Next comes dipping the cookies into melted chocolate. And then garnishing with mint and putting them in the freezer. Her recipe is pretty close to complete. I suggest adding some baking soda and butter. She agrees. Dash adds a little flourish on the bottom right.

Her friend Finn is coming over to cook with us. They chat on the phone about the menu. Turns out they've been secretly planning it all week at school. I guess all along they had no intention of cooking French Haute Cuisine.

With a little guidance from me they come up with their final menu:

• Mashed Potatoes With Caramelized Onions.
• Green Beans With Pesto.
  
• Grilled Lamb Rib Chops.
  
• Bella's Mint Chocolate cookies.

Not a simple menu but I won't have to open any cookbooks this week. These recipes are in my fingers.

Finn and Bella dance to the meat counter for some lamb.

I give them the challenge of finding the words "unsalted butter." Five minutes later they're still searching.

And then we're home. Chaos. Dash is on the table and baking soda is flying everywhere.

My husband removes Dash from the house. Peace.

Bella tells Finn to crack the egg on the table because it's easier to break open (my technique). Finn tells Bella to crack the egg on the edge of the bowl, open it from one side and then your fingers stay clean (his dad's technique). They each tell each other "that's the right way to do it."

I marvel in the fact that I'm sitting down watching them cook. I'm so relaxed I start photographing the measuring cups. Aren't measuring cups beautiful?

One moment Finn seems fine and then something shifts. His head hurts and we need to take him home. My husband rushes home with Dash. Bella is so bummed. So my husband decides to take her out for a nice lunch.

Dash and I continue on with Bella and Finn's menu and we invite my parents over for dinner. Someone has to eat all of this food.

SECOND LESSON: 2-YEAR OLDS CAN MAKE MASHED POTATOES.

"I make with myself."

"Momma. Butter. Lots of Butter."

"Yes Dashi, lots of butter makes the potatoes taste REALLY good."

 
"Bootiful tomatoes, Momma."

"Potatoes, Dashi."
"No, tomatoes Momma."

Bella comes back from lunch and finishes her cookies.

THIRD LESSON: KIDS ALWAYS WANT TO USE KNIVES. GIVE THEM PLASTIC ONES WHEN THEY'RE TWO.

FOURTH LESSON: PUT THE FOOD DOWN ON THE FLOOR. IT DOESN'T HAVE FAR TO FALL.

I boil the beans while Dash places ice cubes into a bowl of water on the floor. I dump the boiled beans into the ice water. Dash snacks. And stirs. And snacks.

"Yummy chicken!

"No, it's lamb."

"No, chicken."

He seasons with piles of salt. And then he quickly reaches in and takes a big bite of a raw chop. Gnarly.

My parents arrive for dinner. Dash shakes and shakes the vinaigrette.

I hand off the cooking of the lamb to my dad and we bust out some martinis.

And we eat.

And we drink.

And Dash gnaws on all of our scraps.

And we taste Bella's creation. A bit dry (my fault). Quite minty (her fault).

I did not have it in me to do Escoffier this week. I don't have veloutes and stocks going on my back burner. I have a son who has so much energy sometimes that I want to cry.  But I have the urge to cook with my kids.  And I have a daughter who writes recipes.

P.S.: I have not given up on Escoffier. I'm just going to start small. His anchovy butter sounds very straightforward and I'm thinking it would be really tasty on some steamed yukon gold potatoes. 

P.P.S.: Here are the Monday night leftovers. Mashed potato pancakes with peas and pesto beans. Salad of melon, spinach, tomato, feta, parsley, basil, mint, lemon and Dash's vinaigrette. We didn't crack a single "cockbock" this weekend. I miss them. Jacques Pepin is going with us to the cafe next week.